About loving again

Of late, I have been feeling a little bit in love. Oh, who am I kidding, I am once again away from the shores, diving in the deep trenches of this endless ocean! The feeling is liberating but it ties to down to an extent too. I can no longer feel like a boat without an anchor. The girl who I love knows how I feel but she, to quote her own words, is "not sure how she feels about me." My initial knee-jerk response to that was that if she isn't sure, she is not in love and I should probably run as fast as I can. But, it was only after seeing her once again in a crowded marketplace, when I realized that although it would be wise to not love at all, wiser even to love someone who loves you back but, if there is one thing that love lacks, it is reason and wisdom.

I know, it sounds very sappy and romantic. It is the cheesiest thing to say 'I love you' to someone these days. Mostly because you hear it being said to freely and sometimes insincerely. But, there is literally no way I can restrain myself from loving her. I am enjoying this state of helplessness and it gets cheesier from here but I am not gonna apologize for feeling a certain way.

When I hear her voice, I want it to be the only thing I hear; when I see her smile, it brightens up my day. When she says she likes me, I hear nothing else. This feeling, even when unrequited, un-reciprocated is blissful. I want to hang on to this feeling, even if it means getting hurt.

Although, you don't need reasons to love someone, let me try to explain who she is and why I love her. She is that girl who would sit by your side and you'd feel richer by a million dollars. She is dusky, the crisp baked colour of golden sunshine. She smiles with all her teeth and her eyes get all squinty when she does that. She hides just the right amount of shyness at the ends of her smiles. Her smiles get crooked at the corners due to the extra-playfulness of her lips. She talks with her hands- gesturing vividly as her nose gently twitches with a mischief. Her hair come a little ahead to cover her forehead on the sides as if trying to protect her from all things bad. I haven't even come yet to her best part- the eyes! She has the eyes of someone who roams the ancient deserts. They have such power and they are such happy eyes at the same time. I look at them and think to myself- wow! Those are the eyes I never wanna see crying. I have been in love before but not this way. It has always been someone who I either adore or admire. She is someone I adore AND admire. And of course, I love her.

I know all this gooey romantic jazz is kind of a put-off. Girls fall for men. Men who can fix things, men who can carry them along the rivers. I am not her saviour. I am her friend and I want her to love me. I don't know how to seize the day, how to win her or floor her. Perhaps, she will never find her man in me but, I don't want that either. I want her to feel what I feel for her. I think that is good enough to make it work. For once, I think I have fallen for a damsel who doesn't need saving.

A poem about a girl I just met.

A breeze crept up,
a lonesome tree.
The leaves rustled,
they now were free.

As they took off,
to unknown terrain.
The tree smiled,
was it fall again?

Autumn's kiss left him,
thirsty for more.
He had waited a lot,
he could wait s'more.

Chapter 17- Getting Over Girl 5 and New Delhi

Kids, I might just have moved on and stayed disconnected with my past as I closed the final chapter with girl no. 5. But the thing about past is, it stays with you. So, she stayed. We remained on talking terms but one thing was for sure, I had given up on her. Mentally, if you're free of any bondage, your life actually starts pacing up. It had happened with girl 3 when I finally had decided to move on and suddenly I was in a whole other pace. Now, the same thing was happening with Girl 5, I was now free!

Well, the history repeated itself and I was in a whole other place! Even geographically. In June 2013, your dad came to New Delhi to prepare for the civil sevices examinations. If anything, distance does bring a sense of closure in your life. When you move to a new place, no matter how much you're attached to the older one, the new people, the new experiences do kind of take your mind off things. And that's what was happening. I was alone in a new city and was just getting to know my batchmates in the new class. I had prepared for the post-graduate exams in dentistry but that was half-hearted. My heart was somewhere else and soon, I was going to find it out.

Anyway, this new classroom had some 70 odd students and I had dreamt of finding your mother there. It kind of felt like my last shot. Now I look back and can only laugh at my sense of hurry. Of course, I am writing this in that time but, I am assuming that I will laugh at past me once I meet your mom. In this new class, I chose to sit in the front row and surprisingly, and not by meticulous planning at all, two girls sat on either of my sides. I felt that I'd be ending up with at least one of them, I mean what were the odds? I was a hot doctor-cum-cartoonist-cum-entertainer. I could at least score one out of two. Turned out the one on my left was married and the one to my right was engaged. Now, it was a very sad time in my life and there were people I befriended who I regretted almost instantaneously. Here's the thing about bad people- they're always ready to enter your lives, easy to approach and once you let your guard down, they march right in, with a sense of authority. Thankfully, the class didn't last more than 6 months and at the later part of class, I switched my seat to find new company. It was also the time when I realized the importance of keeping the search on and not settling with someone below your expectations. Unfortunately, I did realize that there was no one upto my expectations in that class. I did gain access to a group which was mostly girls, well, all girls (by coincidence again) but then I gave up my access rights because it didn't go down well with a certain group of guys who I had befriended (oh God why!) by mistake.

It was an even sadder part of my life when I was trying to ward off a guy who persisted with me like a leech. It eventually took an ugly confrontation (thankfully telephonic) to shoo him away but that did depress me further as I had never thought I'd have to formally "break up" with a guy "friend" and that too, for being too "bitchy".

Moral of the story- Choose your friends wisely.

Texting in a relationship- The Hidden code

Kids, SMSing or texting as we know it, came to us with the advent of the digital era and the introduction of TDMA and CDMA technologies. Little did its founders know that it will soon develop into a code language of its own. Since it has the disadvantage of not being as expressive as a face-to-face conversation or a phone call, the users have developed intricate textual signals which convey the message, sometimes even more subtly than a live conversation.

Relationships too, are not untouched by the phenomenon. I think the credits to developing this language goes to couples who spend more time tapping the keyboard than anything else. Relationships thrive on conversations. We are all strangers programmed to treat each other with suspicion until we start talking. A couple is basically two strangers who talk a lot. Most of these talks happen in their minds. All the backspacing one does while typing a long expressive message is the actual conversation which remains unsaid. Unsaid doesn't necessarily mean unexpressed. Boyfriends, girlfriends, husbands, wives, friends- we all leave nothing unexpressed. Here's an attempt based on my tryst with the devil called 'texting' for understanding the hidden code behind those words-

1. The salutations.
'Sup?' might be the most common way of a guy to sound cool while trying to start a conversation with a girl. It is non-chalant, it was sort of cool when people first started it using. Now, it has been over-used yet, finds place in the vocabulary of 15 to 19 year old males with sparse moustaches and half-cracked pubescent voices.
Next comes the 'Hiiiiiii'. It's a 'Hi' suffixed with the amount of "i"s directly proportional to the cuteness being attempted by the sender. Other variants are "Hellooooooooooooo", Or "Heyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy" or "Hellozzzzzzzzz". These used to be girly expressions but not anymore. The market forces of supply and demand have now made the extra vowels added at the end of salutations sort of mandatory. In few relationships, a simple "Hello" or a bland "Hi" represents that something is not right. It might also indicate the aftermath of a huge fight and may soon be followed by the dreaded "We need to talk."
There are also the foreign salutations like "Hola", "Aloha" etc which sound exotic. These are basically pretentious in origin and are used most commonly by guys who are trying to get laid.

2. Something is wrong.

When you tell your girlfriend something you did last night (party, night-out, texting with that random chic on FB etc) and her reply, after 5 minutes, comes as "Hmmm.. K". You have got to be an idiot to think that everything is "K". Sometimes even with the number of 'm's in the 'hmmm', you can estimate the number of sly comments that are going to come your way in the future.

I think 'K' is the most versatile character of the English alphabet in terms of its utility in texting. 'Hmm.. K' expresses dismay while 'Oh.. K' may express surprise or shock. 'Kk' is used to express affirmation while a plain 'K' is an emphatic conversation-killer. 'Okay' is used to express agreement while the same is expressed by girls using "okie-dokie" and sometimes just "okie". Lastly, 'Hmph.. K' is used to show exasperation and is sort of like saying "I give up, you win!"

3. The sign-offs.

Goodbyes are the hardest part in texting. A plain 'Bye' sounds more like "Goodbye forever! Good riddance!" A girl might just be using 'Bye' to show her indignance to your behaviour or might just be flirting- trying to see how restless you get when she starts to leave. If you read it wrong, you might end up infuriating her. And if she's the rare kind who uses 'Bye' for the meaning it was intended, and you keep talking, you might be viewed as a 'pile-on'.

A 'Bbye', 'Buh-bye', 'Byeeeeeeee' are politer ways of signing out. A smiley emoticon and sometimes three to four ones (as necessitated) are required before completing the sign out.
'TC' is another critical tool to express various meanings. When someone says 'tc' abruptly, they might not necessarily want you to 'take care' as much as you might imagine. 'Tc' is more of a semi-polite goodbye which when expanded, reads- "TAKE CARE of your own business, leave me alone".

Ok, it is a vast universe with ever-changing definitions and if I delve any deeper, I risk irretrievable damage to my actual language skills. So, I'd just stop here. Hope you learned something.
Bbye!
:) :) :)
Gn
Sd
Tc
Ttyl
Gtg
K.. Bbyeeee!

Chapter 16: Love? ROTFLMAO

So kids, thus far you know that I had begun to be a good boyfriend. I still couldn't remember dates and for some Godforsaken reason, I couldn't remember her birthday. I kept on logging on to Facebook and confirming the date. I was afraid kids, I had a point to prove. It wasn't love. To be completely honest to myself, I just wanted myself to succeed. I didn't know how but I wanted it badly. So, I gave myself a crash course in love and I crashed. Badly.

After introducing her to my parents during my graduation, I had mentally prepared myself to marry her. She didn't always "get" me, we didn't always have a lot to talk about but I wanted us to work. I went on vacations after graduation and came back to Davangere as an even more charming and loving boyfriend. I started doting on her, doing stuff that I wouldn't usually do, I had to express whatever I had for her. That was the only way I felt. She was taken aback because she was ready to take a few steps back by then. The lack of chemistry was pretty evident to her by then and a guy had entered her life who belonged to her world.

So, here I was- on a different plane but ready to do whatever love makes one do and she was there at crossroads where she had to choose between a loving, caring boyfriend who doesn't really "get" her OR a douchebag who thinks it's ok to hit on a committed girl, but shares great camaraderie with her. She held on to me, looking for an escape route. I had provided her many in the past but now I had blocked them all; while I started falling for her as I slowly got to know her better. It's tricky kids, love is tricky. It comes uninvited and stays forever. Yet, it eludes you when the moment comes; that way, it's a bit of a bastard. Ok, don't tell your mother I said the B-word in front of you guys.

Anyway, so then came December. She had to leave for vacations, I was madly in love with her which she was pitying me for. But then, few days before she was about to leave, we had a big fallout. Yes, we broke up for a short while. All she wanted was this opening- she went ahead and told it to her crush. She didn't want to mend it. They got closer further. The walls were closing in on me but I was not yet ready to give in. If I knew that she didn't feel the same way as I did, I'd have stopped myself from falling in that pit but I didn't know. I needed to learn my lesson. So, I went ahead and patched up with her. I was happy, she was confused and the guy was disgusted. He stopped talking to her because she was back with me again. Yes, I know what you're thinking- "What a douche! Right?" Well, she was in love with that douche. You know I am in love with your mother, I'd be a douche for her!

Anyway, so this guy was pissed at her and they were supposed to go together in the bus. She was sorry for him. And she was about to be sorry for me. I came to drop her brimming with happiness. I spotted the guy and his douche friends making lewd gestures but I trusted my girl to dislike such people so I didn't bother much with my words of caution. All of it now seems like a cosmic plan to teach me a lesson. Anyway, they ended up kissing that night. She reached home and finally mustered strength to break up with me and my puppy love. It came as a shock to me as I had no idea it'd come to this. People knew about them, they were talking behind my back but I was totally blind to all of it. I was in the wonderland of true, unconditional love. It all came shattering down as I heard her.

Next few days, I spent dealing with the news of rejection and betrayal. I knew there was nothing real between us but I had started to feel comfortable with whatever we had. I was building on it. I had plans, I was not through. I believed that I could be way more awesome than before. I was in love with her. So, I did what a desperately in love person would do, I begged her to take me back. I didn't want to know why she had dumped me in the first place. I just wanted another chance. Big mistake kids. If it doesn't word the first time, it will never work. I wanted to make that mistake because I felt alive when I was hurt. I liked the hurt. It was making me a better person again. I was paying for my sins through this and blood was finally reaching my heart. I had begun weaving my story- my fairytale. So she forgave me out of courtesy, just like I used to during our earlier fights. Just because it's uncool to hurt someone. She came back to me. Needless to say, Mr.Douche was not okay with that.

The thing with love is- if you try to hold on to it, it escapes even faster. It you try forcing it, try to do everything right, you'll end up doing everything wrong. Only the love that comes naturally, flows like a river, fills you and empties you all at the same time, can fulfill you. So, while trying my best to be the best boyfriend in the world, I imploded and we again had a falling out right before she was about to come back. It was her fault too as she might have been rooting for this breakup. The douche had made her feel guilty about patching up with me by acting like he had been betrayed. This is what some people do, kids. They make you feel like you owe it to them. This girl gave in to him and again broke up with me. They were again together and I was lonely again. I do not remember the reason for all these breakups because it was never important. One of us was desperately trying to get out of this relationship and the other one was trying too hard to stay in it.

Fifteen days later, tired by this douche's antics, she messaged me. She wanted to know how I had been. Now in a normal scenario, fifteen days is a good enough time to forget someone and move on with your life but I had no reason to move on, she hadn't explained to me what had actually happened and what this guy used to talk to her about behind my back. There were so many unanswered questions and I wanted to know what I had been doing wrong to lose her again and again. I needed a future version of me to come and slap me then and there and tell me that I need to quit being a detective and stop with the obsession. Anyway, I met up with this girl again and then we talked. She wasn't particularly happy with the douche. Well, I don't intend to paint a picture but he was a typical "duuuude" and I mean that in the most negative sense possible. I leave the rest to your imagination. So we kissed and made up! I had decided that I will do everything that she wanted her man to do. I wanted to leave no room for any other guy to enter. I did the most adventurous things possible, I wish not to disclose the details. Your mom knows all of them and she still scoffs at me for them. So, then came February, my birth month. I was with her. I celebrated my 25th birthday with her. It was a bliss. She was slowly falling for me, I could see it. I could see love in her eyes which was the only thing that I wanted to see. Maybe that's why I could see it and not the confusion and conflict that still was going on in her head. Even on the night of my birthday, this douche was hogging her mind space by texting her, telling her how miserable he was because of her. Yup! She was replying to those texts! She was burdened and I was thinking it was something I did. I tried to cheer her up but to no avail. It was painful to know that she wasn't totally obsessed with me as I was. But, as I said, I was paying for my sins. Remember how I murdered a heart and played with the feelings of few others. I had it coming to me and I wanted all my sins to get washed away. I wanted a clean record with "karma" so that when you mother finally comes to me, I can shower all my love on her with no "oops!" moments.

So after my birthday, she told me that she had been talking to this guy. I found it weird and shocking. I thought we had enough of this guy and that we could really look into the far future where douches like these don't matter. This time, she was not on the same plane as me. She didn't want to look too far in the future and this douche was actually around her all the time, trying his best to mend his ego. He had been speaking bad about her in public and his friends absolutely hated her but somehow she knew all this and yet couldn't keep herself away from him. Looking back, I think it was something that I still can't understand. I might attempt to say it was "true love" or "fatal attraction" but in my mind, I still don't know why it kept on happening all the time. I think it was me- I had this habit of mentioning this guy all the time, he never left her mind because either we were talking about him or he was texting her. When someone attacks you from all the fronts, what else can you do?

So then we broke up again. I guess, we did that one more time after that too. We had seriously finished our quota of cute Ross-Rachel type breakup- patch-up routines and it was getting sort of nauseating. But I saw a lot of romance in that. It was like we were inseparable- Big LOL. So then came the day of me leaving Davangere. And we met for one more time and she was again miserable with the douche, we made up again. Seriously, one day to go and we couldn't control ourselves. I do have to mention that it had started looking pretty awesome. I think I was becoming the douche slowly. I mean even when we were broken up, I used to call her and talk. Even when I went to Goa, I finished all my balance talking to her. It was pretty stupid. I just wanted to win. There were other happy couples in my group and they were all fully-functional. I was jealous of them in my own stupid way. I just wanted to defeat them. It was love but it was many things more. Love is easier. It is never this tough and there is nothing romantic about trying too hard to make stuff work and failing!! Keep that in mind.

Anyway, so we spent that time together and then I left Davangere. I left my favourite shirt with her and felt like I'll be back right away. I didn't even realize that I was leaving the place forever. It was beautiful; just for that moment of true love, I think the whole pain, the whole drama, the struggle was worth it. So then we got separated. I was insecure; what never worked on so many attempts, how would it work from so far. Then slowly I got at peace, the guy stopped texting her and she also for a fraction of time, stopped thinking about him. Things got peaceful. She had resigned to fate. She now wanted to be the one who planned about kids and talked to parents about marriage. She even told her mom that she wanted to marry me. I was on cloud 9. It was pretty amazing then guess what? The douche came back!!

ROTFLMAO right? This time he came back with a vengeance. Any other girl who was in perfect love would have shooed him away, I mean it was creepy. But, you know creepiness is subjective. Turns out, I was still the creepy one. She started lying to me. I told her to at least be honest, and that I was okay with everything else. I didn't actually want honesty, I wanted the douche away from her. From my viewpoint, it looked creepy that they were talking.

Anyway, he kept on trying and then one day I broke up with her. I had come to a point where I could easily spot her lies and it was getting pathetic. It seemed as if she didn't even put enough effort in her lies. You could say that knowing when the other person is lying is pretty romantic; well, it's not! It just means you know them too well. So, when we broke up, she went ahead and told the douche about it. The douche began trying for her with all his guns a-blazing. I knew this detrimental for her, so much so that she might lose everything she had- her self-respect, her charm, her innocence, her personality. I tried to save her again but she lied to me again. The douche was seriously relentless and remember, I was the creepy one in her story. So, when it reached a certain point where I could see the hilarity and pathos behind it all, and she tried leaving me again, I called her up and ended things for good. It was a rollercoaster ride and it had taught me many lessons. It was a lovely bond at times and we did have our moments but, you know as your mom has taught me, love is not a serious of many great moments but something that fills that gap between two crazy, awesome moments.

This was my richest and longest experience with love and it made me stronger and prouder. I am proud of how I never lost hope and trusted her even while knowing that she is going to fall. She was an amazing human being with a heart of gold, I am so lucky to have met her but, yes, that heart was not meant for me. It's okay though, don't pity your old man kids, I had paid for all my sins, I had learned to cry and let go; and I had learned to laugh and never give up. I was well-equipped as I waited for your mom. And boy! was the wait worth it all!!

Chapter 15- Toying with love, playing with fire.

So, the story had begun, I had jumped in a river that I didn’t fully understand.  Kids, I might vehemently deny that it was not a rebound, but it was. It was forced, it was uneasy and weird. After my recent break-up and an older lingering romance, I was laden with baggage. What I couldn’t understand was that in relationships, like attracts like. She was equally laden. Oops!

A word about this girl: Amazing human being, sweet, kind but with a past that couldn’t be shrugged off. I tried to help her smile about all the things that had befallen her in her past but, I guess, for some people, you just don’t have the cure. I was betrayed by love: the emotion.  She was betrayed by people. People she trusted. She trusted easily and was not afraid to swim upstream. Sadly, she had faced a lot of ugliness in her life and I think it had made her a bit too persuasive towards finding happiness. I was much at ease letting happiness get to me at its own peace.

So, we started dating. I was happy to be in a relationship but, I was yet to know her. She was guarded yet, loving. For example, she would read my text messages but, wouldn’t let me read hers. She was afraid to be judged and I was eager to judge. So, we took the long, torturous path of finding each other; the path of regular fights and misunderstandings and the clearing out sessions later on. By “we”, I mean “I”. Most fights were initiated by me driven by my impatient need to make this relationship the best in the world or get it over with. I was reckless with her, sometimes intentionally, just because I needed her to share everything with me, not in a “daily report” sort of way but in a philosophical way. I wanted our minds to meet and ideate together. She kept on playing the “thoughtless, emotional, stuck-up, talentless damsel in distress” role for a month or so which I knew (rather hoped) wasn’t her true self. She refused to take a stand because she was the exact opposite in her approach toward this relationship. While I was reckless, she was careful, sceptical and gentle.

Now, I don’t remember clearly but, I think it was on our road trip to Chitradurga that we had our first major fight in which she actively participated. The topic being her dislike towards me comparing her to my ex. Fair point. For me, that was the first day she began to talk to me. We had earlier shared how “mushy talk” bores us both and how lame are the terms “boyfriend and girlfriend” and how “clinginess” is such a turn-off for both of us, but these weren’t conversations. I could cover all these topics and more on a bus journey with a total stranger. The first time I made her really angry was the first time I was talking to her. Wrong way to do it, kids, wrong way to do it.

What ensued next was the “behaviour modification” period initiated by me; knowing that I had the upper hand in the relationship, I began to turn evil. In every relationship, there is a time when you try to change the person you love and here is the lesson kids- DON’T. This “behaviour modification” period was too long and hard to bear for her because we didn’t get a proper “honeymoon period”- those initial days in a relationship where all things are shiny and glossy and the world in annoyingly perfect. I had already spent a honeymoon period with my ex and that was too recent. I was gritty and unromantic which was unfair but she played along.

I am not proud of the behaviour modification period, kids. I was an unruly brat with more frequent mood swings than a PMSing girl. Yes, I said PMSing. It’s about time you understood these terminologies. You’re growing up! Go look it up in the dictionary. I was judgemental. I was closely looking for character flaws. I didn’t want to fail again. I made sure that she was loving, caring, kind, calls-you-the-right-number-of-times-a-day kind of girl. I was the kind of boyfriend who shouted at his girl if she showed any trace of selfishness or clinginess, if she called me when I was in the middle of something, if she asked too many questions. I am not proud, kids. You don’t do that to a girl. Surprisingly, she took it all and still stood tall! She passed all tests; she warmed my cold heart and taught me how to love. She could grin and bear it all with a love that said- “I’m not leaving you, no matter what!” One such night was when I had made her cry (in my defence, she cried at the drop of a hat), I had my first tears of guilt and love. I was suddenly thankful to her for everything.

Love Begins

Both of us were careful with our relationship. She was careful not to hurt me while I was careful not to get hurt again. She was this sage and I was this decoit. Now, every such story is incomplete without the quintessential change of heart. I started noticing all the nice things in her. The way she looked at me, way she laughed at all my unfunny jokes, the way she found reasons to stay with me, spend time with me; it was almost as if she was overcompensating for something. It was beyond my understanding. I expected a love-hate relationship which could finally grow into a love-love relationship but I was given the good thing too soon. I was happy and wanted to keep her happy too, for life. She had amazing dancing skills and enjoyed her dance, a quality I hadn’t noticed before. I started looking for more. I noticed how she could cutely look at you with those innocent eyes and make your heart melt, how she snorted while laughing, how she took it to her heart when things didn’t fall quite right in clinics and classes. I taught her to let things go and relax. I wanted to see her grow as a person, I wanted to be her best friend and her confidante. I asked her to write and her first two blog entries were impressive. She had depth of thought and clarity of mind. She was sure of what she wanted.

Sometimes when you refuse to look at something, you fail to see how amazing it is. Gosh! How I regretted wasting those past ten months trying to carve something out of this stone only to realize later on that it was already a diamond.

Kids, one of the earliest signs of love is that you start unselfishly doing things for you. I would have done anything for her in the past too but now I started enjoying making her happy. I began feeling the warmth of a relationship. I had finally let her in through the doors in my heart. I was never so sure of any other girl in my past. More so, because this time, it was mutual. I wanted her to meet my parents. I wanted her to be buddies with my mom so that there could be harmony at home ten years from now. In my mind, I was married to her. She was putting up an amazing barbecue in our farmhouse on a lazy, cloudy Sunday afternoon while our kids rode bicycles in the field. I was in love.

I even introduced her to my family during my graduation time and once even tried to make her talk to my mom on phone. I was being an idiot, I was rushing things, like they do in mad, unadulterated love. I am very proud of that Abhyudaya those days. I sort of made up for my mistakes in the past and was working on our relationship every day. There was this imminent looming scenario of me passing out and leaving Davangere but I was ready for an LDR. Go look up LDR in the dictionary! I could make it work anyhow. I had faith.

The Side Effects Of Love

Love is not a single, isolated emotion, kids. I was mistaken, fooled by the picture they paint in romantic movies. There are so many crimes born out of love in real life, so many stories of betrayal. Possessiveness, jealousy, misery- they're all children of love. 

More on that later.

Much love from Papa! 

Chapter 14: Finding true love

Kids, till now I have not introduced you to the concept of picture perfect fairy tale romance. Well, it's time! Till now all my stories had a "loose grip over the way things moved in a relationship" sort of element. Here is where it all changes to a Utopian world where things were just the way they should be.

This story starts in the month of August in the year 2011. I had just broken up with Girl 4, virtually breaking her heart for her own good. This misplaced sense of righteousness was riding high on my head at that point of time. I was at home with my final year BDS results still awaited and it was around 8th of August when I logged into Facebook to check my page...

WHOA WHOA WHOA! So, this picture perfect love story started online?

Yes, it was the lamest way to begin a love affair but, it was destined to grow into something beautiful, something meaningful. And yes, I am using the word "love". So as I was saying- I logged on to facebook and there I saw a query on Bapuji group by a girl about the college and its credibility. I was happy to help. Few days letter, I had a pending friend request from her. I was not smitten at the first sight but, I was fresh out of a relationship and flirting was my only survival strategy. My heart was still ailing from the rejection by Girl 3 and the guilt of breaking the heart of no. 4.

Here's the lesson kids- Flirting is injurious to long-term health. There might be advice columns promoting healthy flirting but I assure you that there is no such thing. It's like dipping your toe before jumping in the pool and if you don't like the pool enough, do not dip the toe for God's sake.

That is not to say that I didn't like this girl. I just had never seen her, had no idea how she was, her emotional baggage and the suspicious nature of her friend request (being a girl). Making the first move by a girl was unheard of in my world. I suspected that she was probably a dude who wanted to molest me and steal all my money. I took it upon myself to ascertain her femininity and exchanged phone numbers and called her in the night. Yes! She was a girl and was about to take admission in my own college! I still had my internship year remaining in the college and I could picture a casual romance with a pretty lass bloom. I pictured pool parties, hitting the club and hitting on each other for the next 365 days.

Another lesson: Whenever you think you're ready for something casual, you are actually depressed from within.

So, then I began the most intense, shameless routine of flirting with her. Inept at the casual act, I actually ended up mouthing the words "I love you" to her in our first few talks. My text messages were laced with corny, cheesy innuendos. She was unnaturally complying with all my terms and conditions. It was as if the universe was making up for something, life suddenly found a shallow purpose. I was wooing her, courting her, for what? For whom? I will never know. There was something unnatural about her response too. She was quick to reply and prompt to accept my "love" which stood on no foundations.

Finally the day came, I saw her for the first time. She was there. Hiding behind her mother, shying, staring at me coyly and yes! It wasn't love at first sight. She was borderline obese, wore spectacles and didn't appear friendly at all. I seriously considered running away but I was in a bad shape emotionally and couldn't afford to break another heart. Her mother seemed sweet. Judging by her, I thought there must be some charisma brushed off to the daughter. Functional families create the best human beings. I decided to give this relationship a try and see if things could take a turn for the better and thank God I did!

When you meet a stranger you've met online, there are many things going on in your mind. Firstly, the other person would be nothing like you've imagined. To top that, I was meeting the girl I had never met, yet said "I love you" to and she had reciprocated too. It doesn't get weirder than this. Actually it does. So meet someone from online, you try to put up your best face because you're trying to impress the person. Then, your expectations are slightly shattered because even if you look like Rajpal Yadav, you always expect Catherine Zeta Jones. So eventually, I began to date this girl and thus on fake foundations, laid the first brick of true love.

There were still miles to go before we reached "true love" and on our way I discovered answers to many questions. In Chapter 15, I will throw some light on that journey.

Bye! Much love from Daddy!!