How to screw up a relationship!

Kids, dating isn't easy. It isn't a bed of roses. It's a bed of burning dead bodies, being tortured with hellfire which is covered by petals of roses. You find that out, only when you step on it. Once you step on it, it's very difficult to step back. Here I present to you a few secret ways to help you do that. Use them responsibly, ok?

1. Gorilla Wars!
When you're in a relationship, you fight. You fight 'cause your beau called your mother ugly and you fight 'cause you think he thinks you think that he thinks you're fat! These fights are customary and do not mar the status of your relationship by more than 1%. If you really want to do some real damage, throw a bombshell without any reason! You can't imagine how much damage a "I don't think things are working anymore" text on a fine sunday morning can cause. We don't have the numbers, so defeat the enemy by surprise attacks! Gorilla war!!

2. Missiles!
Most of the fights are reconciled when you meet your other and discuss them. But there will be times when one of you would be out of station, away for some reason. That's your time, pick a fight. Pick a stupid reason. When someone is with his or her family after a loong time, they program themselves to be happy. A text like- "I think you're a lying son of a bitch! You didn't remove that whore from your facebook even when she continuously hit on you!" can work wonders!

3. Repetition!
Say "I love you jana" via texts every two hours in a day and four times before sleeping. Ask "asleep?" after 15 minutes of them texting you- "Very tired, going to sleep.".

And here's the master stroke, when in a fight- mention how you say "I love you" gazillion times a day and they fail to acknowledge your love.

4. Make fun of everything they do.
And if they are playful and take this in their stride, apologize viciously until they realize that they have been wronged!

5. The obvious stuff
Of course, you should be over-possessive, loud, bitchy and critical of their personality and family and family members' personalities. I mean that's a given.

6. Self-centered talk!
Let him finish a long speech on how his father has mistreated him all his life and how he wants to grow up and become a better human being and follow that up with "Am I looking fat in this dress jana?"

Pure break-up guaranteed!

Chapter 12: Girl 4- The Murder of A Heart

So thus far the lesson learnt is- flirting is the most dangerous double edged sword invented by mankind. You meet a great gal, start flirting right away, the worst thing that can happen to you is- love! So if you meet a great girl who loves you a lot, don't think that your love is all that she needs and her love is all that you need. You two also need to be on the same page about a lot of things. The biggest bullshit that the world of dating has been putting up with is "opposites attract". No, they don't.

If you aren't attracted to her in a way that would make you to climb down a valley of snakes just to get her a flower, let her go! Let her find her prince which she eventually will. Till the day you don't let her go, you will be the ogre who holds her in his cage. And the day you let her go, you'd be the bastard who left her for no reason. So, moral of the story... if you hit the switch and the lights are not on, leave the room. Don't wait for the magic, it either is, or it isn't.

Now this takes us to a dilemma! Compare Girl 3 and 4 and you'll be taken to a conundrum. Girl 3 was a classic case of delay which resulted in damage beyond repair while Girl 4 was a case of damage tough to repair due to lack of delay!

Chapter 11: Say hello to Girl 4

Would the tortoise narrate to its kids how it lost to a rabbit in the race? Would the villain of a masala bollywood thriller tell his kids where he went wrong? In my case, the answer is "yes". The whole point of this blog is to make you learn from my mistakes in an entertaining manner. That brings me to Girl No. 04.

It was the stuff fairy tales are made of, sans the magic. It had promises, intimacy, love (?), caring for each other; what it didn't have was the typical madness that characterizes a love story. It did have madness alright, it was a mad mad relationship, but more like the tacky madness that makes your stomach churn, certainly not the one that makes you go awww.

How I met her? Well, college function, working together, chit-chatting, exchange of mobile numbers, harmless flirting, harmful flirting and all hell broke loose. I deny it tooth to nail but the truth is that it is a clear-cut case of the dreaded phenomenon called "rebound"!! On my part, it started with a simple "what-if?" What if I can't love anyone anymore? What if I wouldn't be able to love my own wife? What if the best part of my life is over? What if Girl 3 falls in love with someone else? They get married, have kids?

On Girl 4's part, the story started with another "What if"? What if I was destined to meet this guy and spend my whole life with him happily ever after? Yikes!

She loved me, she was jealous of my female friends, she cried for me, she took me very seriously. And I? I was scared!

TO BE CONTINUED

Chapter 10: Where I went wrong.

Kids, in every relationship, there is always a point which is like a flag pole with a skull and two crossed bones. A point beyond redemption. This flag is visible from a very far far distance but, some people ignore it; well they rather choose to ignore it. The girl no. 2 I told you about? Remember her?

Well, turns out there was another side of the story. I described how she came on to me and how she slapped my back until my vertebra broke but I never described the darker side of that story. Well, that story was waiting to be told, and here it goes-

Before that train journey ever happened, before we became friends, she had a relationship. That night when she cried in front of me, she didn't mean to be that damsel, she meant to cry and only to cry. She had this abusive boyfriend who took liberties on her, verbally. Not very cool. It was an easy choice in my head, ditch the guy, stop talking to him, change your phone number, avoid him. Wasn't so easy for her. For the reason I never understood and for the reason I don't have a girlfriend yet. It was love. Unadulterated love.

When I was with her, I was rushing things. I wanted her to do away with this boyfriend and elope with me to a fairytale life. She wanted to sort it out. I never really respected her past.

Ok, before this turns into a weepy confession of sorts, let's rush things (old habits die hard) fast forward to the present day:-

We were friends who never talked until this January when we exchanged numbers again and got talking. We still are chalk and cheese but boy! Chalk and cheese can talk! She is in a happy relationship currently and I sort of interviewed her on what went wrong with my relationship with her... so, here is, for the first time, someone guest authoring my blog and it has to be the kindest, sweetest, craziest, a little hyper and the only ex-girlfriend I ever had. She talked and I took notes.

Excerpts-

"You need a heart to love someone, not your brain. Let your heart work the magic for you. You will surely find someone. It's not important how you start it; it's not important how you meet her! It's important how you maintain it."

"Dear, it's a tough job to maintain a relationship. It takes effort. A little bit of compromise, faith, trust and understanding... can work wonders. Never leave the important things unsaid. Basic mistrust arises from lack of communication. We say all kinds of stuff but leave the important one unsaid."

"Be careful with your words. Don't use words that you don't like for yourself. Words are important."

"We all are insecure. We all are afraid that we will lose our loved ones at some point of time. All you need to do is be patient. Give her some space, some air to breathe. Don't ever make her do anything she doesn't want to do. Understanding is the key."

"When you love someone, love her 100%. Don't expect to be loved the way you love her. Love her in your unique way and be loved in her unique way."

"Breaking up is not the solution to any problem. Sit down and sort it out. You tend to rush everything! Time can do magic. Time is the key. Over time, all relations go stronger."

"Then there are those small things which you have to discover with your partner. They are unique to every relation."

On being asked- How do I know that I really love this girl and this is not attraction?

"Attraction may diminish over a day to even few months. Love remains forever. Attraction fades when you see someone better than the earlier. But when you start reading someone's heart, your heart goes and attaches itself to that person's heart."

"I've seen my mother and father fight, since then I decided I will never allow my brain to work in a relationship, I will go with my heart, wherever it takes me. Even if I am wrong at times. It's good to be wrong sometimes. It makes you happier."

On being asked whether she believed in soul-mates..
"No, but I want to be with [name of her boyfriend] forever"

Where do you think I went wrong when I was with you?
"You should never try to change the person you are with. Someone who likes you, tries hard to be liked by you. Compliments are good but, what hurts is when you try to change her. And give her time and space."



*sigh*
So there it was!
What do you think?

Chapter 9: How to forget...

Kids, it's 30th of December 2010. December is always associated with end of the year, it symbolizes happy endings for most of us. Christmas, New year- it's all about moving on with new hope and new dreams. December is like the last act of the play where things begin to make sense and the system seems to justify itself. It's a man-made clock, where January is supposed to work as a "Refresh" button of sorts.

Well, I do believe that nothing changes unless you make it change but these occasions where the mind is conditioned to start afresh can speed up the process. Birthdays are also examples of such occasions where you can rewind and reflect on the past. My point is- If you really want to get over someone, try to stay busy on their birthday and try not to include them in celebrations of such kind.

Festivals, holidays, carnivals are occasions when the little memory chip in your brain works overtime; it records each and every minute detail of people and things around you. It is perhaps the little anecdote accumulator in all of us that makes us do such stuff. We view these occasions aside from a chance to have fun, as times to create memories, so that when we grow old we aren't those boring oldies who have absolutely no stories to tell!

Another way to forget is to believe that you never really loved them. Since the concept of true love is so twisted that it gets you thinking and distracts you from the real thought of how much you love them, it works.

Okay now that we are on it, one surefire way to forget her is to think how annoying she is. Trust me, how much ever you love her, if she is a girl, she has to be annoying.... except your mother kids! Except your mother!

More later!

Chapter 8: The Bloopers

Kids, sometimes you wish your life was a movie and the mistakes you did were never included. Although it'd be convenient if you could sit back and check out the bloopers at the end.

We all commit mistakes. Some of us, like your dad... actually like committing mistakes, glorify them and bask in their glory. Not to be rude, I wouldn't call them mistakes; they are the oops moments in one's life. When you discover a tunnel within a tunnel, trace it to find out that the tunnel opens at the "start" point.

I had quite a few such tunnels in my lifetime, and here, I proudly announce that I am not ashamed of any one of them! That's right! I am ashamed of all of them! Just kidding.

Ok, let's get started-

Blooper 1:
See Girl no. 2

Blooper 2:
There is one thing called compatibility, kids... and there is another thing called similarity. We often confuse the two terms and land up in trouble. There is a saying that "Opposites Attract" and it exists for a good reason. Being compatible means knowing and understanding each others' quirks and respecting each others' private space. Being similar means having the same quirks and not necessarily being cool about it. I have this belief that if I had a twin who was emotionally at the same level as me, I would have killed him by now.

Well, I found this clone of mine with even more exaggerated emotional levels than mine, in a female friend of mine. This is a very simplified view of what was wrong with our friendship. Here is a list of the bloopers you shouldn't make-
1. If she doesn't listen to you even when you have that I am going to say something awesome look on your face, leave!
2. If she is in a serious relationship (read- cries at night) and you are "more than a friend", run!
3. If you only think of her when you have nothing else to do, run faster!
4. If whenever she calls, it always begins with "Can I ask you for a favour?", hang up and start running.
5. If you feel like running away, just run!



Blooper 3:
If you are friends with a girl, text late at nights only and only if you can survive the trauma of her "placing a light peck on your cheeks", "kissing you all over your mouth" and "cuddling up with you in the blanket". All these text message might sound sweet and cute to some distant alien in some far away planet. But, not to the person who just started texting this girl only one day before this natural calamity of a texting happened. I freaked out. I said, "uhh... no please" and "Eww... no! go away."

Needless to say, she didn't quite like my replies.

Blooper 4:
Kids, no matter how badly you get rejected, how badly you want to be loved, never challenge God that if He gave you someone not so good looking, one who had a voice like a thousand chalks were squeaking on a blackboard, one who grinned every time she saw you.... you'd still respect her love... because for you, love is everything. Trust me, it's not.

Chapter 7: The facts

Kids, there is something about concrete, rock solid facts. They just refuse to move. Thoughts are powerful, no doubt; in fact- half of the reality is a construct of our thoughts and moods but, the rest half is built on facts.

The fact that I have feelings for girl no. 3 wouldn't change, the fact that I wouldn't get attracted to someone easily now-- wouldn't change; the fact that she would never love me back-- wouldn't change. So the above are facts, these wouldn't alter based on my perceptions.

But, perceptions do change and more importantly, people do change. I do not perceive her as I used to before; but that does not changes the person that she is and therefore my love for her remains the same.

You might find me a little moronic if you are reading this after chapter 6 where I so vaingloriously declared that I was over her. Well, if that chapter was a story, this chapter is a lesson. And the lesson is -- never declare anything. Even to yourself. Because declaration breeds expectation and expectation creates a chance to bring you down.

I was doing fairly well; I didn't text or call. I disconnected from her. I was unhappy without knowing it. The perception was that I had moved on but the fact was that -- my feet were stuck all this time while walking off was a delusion.

I see her sad the other day and my wax heart melts to pure water. The urge to soak up all her sorrow has become second nature to me. I felt like asking what she wanted and fulfilling all her wishes right away... and to my sorrow she asked for my happiness. I gave it away. She wanted me to act normal and I complied. Giving away my happiness made me happier than ever; I knew this was short-lived but, it felt right.

A few days later... the wick burns away and the bomb explodes. It was evident that she took more Abhyudaya than needed for her purpose, it wasn't her fault... I was more than happy to give myself away but, the fact remained that I can't give her what she wants and she can't give me what I want.


I have already tried the surgical excision route, now I shall try the other way. Graft the tissue over the host until the host rejects the tissue. Clearly, she is not cut out for me and I know it; the only thing that hurts me is my love.

Here I am subjecting myself to an experiment which can debilitate me for life. I will put myself close to her until I realize that I don't love her anymore.

Kids, please realize that such experiments need divine intervention to succeed and don't try this yourself unless you must!

I will be back with the results..