Sunday, January 18, 2015

About loving again

Of late, I have been feeling a little bit in love. Oh, who am I kidding, I am once again away from the shores, diving in the deep trenches of this endless ocean! The feeling is liberating but it ties to down to an extent too. I can no longer feel like a boat without an anchor. The girl who I love knows how I feel but she, to quote her own words, is "not sure how she feels about me." My initial knee-jerk response to that was that if she isn't sure, she is not in love and I should probably run as fast as I can. But, it was only after seeing her once again in a crowded marketplace, when I realized that although it would be wise to not love at all, wiser even to love someone who loves you back but, if there is one thing that love lacks, it is reason and wisdom.

I know, it sounds very sappy and romantic. It is the cheesiest thing to say 'I love you' to someone these days. Mostly because you hear it being said to freely and sometimes insincerely. But, there is literally no way I can restrain myself from loving her. I am enjoying this state of helplessness and it gets cheesier from here but I am not gonna apologize for feeling a certain way.

When I hear her voice, I want it to be the only thing I hear; when I see her smile, it brightens up my day. When she says she likes me, I hear nothing else. This feeling, even when unrequited, un-reciprocated is blissful. I want to hang on to this feeling, even if it means getting hurt.

Although, you don't need reasons to love someone, let me try to explain who she is and why I love her. She is that girl who would sit by your side and you'd feel richer by a million dollars. She is dusky, the crisp baked colour of golden sunshine. She smiles with all her teeth and her eyes get all squinty when she does that. She hides just the right amount of shyness at the ends of her smiles. Her smiles get crooked at the corners due to the extra-playfulness of her lips. She talks with her hands- gesturing vividly as her nose gently twitches with a mischief. Her hair come a little ahead to cover her forehead on the sides as if trying to protect her from all things bad. I haven't even come yet to her best part- the eyes! She has the eyes of someone who roams the ancient deserts. They have such power and they are such happy eyes at the same time. I look at them and think to myself- wow! Those are the eyes I never wanna see crying. I have been in love before but not this way. It has always been someone who I either adore or admire. She is someone I adore AND admire. And of course, I love her.

I know all this gooey romantic jazz is kind of a put-off. Girls fall for men. Men who can fix things, men who can carry them along the rivers. I am not her saviour. I am her friend and I want her to love me. I don't know how to seize the day, how to win her or floor her. Perhaps, she will never find her man in me but, I don't want that either. I want her to feel what I feel for her. I think that is good enough to make it work. For once, I think I have fallen for a damsel who doesn't need saving.

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