Thursday, January 19, 2012

How to screw up a relationship!

Kids, dating isn't easy. It isn't a bed of roses. It's a bed of burning dead bodies, being tortured with hellfire which is covered by petals of roses. You find that out, only when you step on it. Once you step on it, it's very difficult to step back. Here I present to you a few secret ways to help you do that. Use them responsibly, ok?

1. Gorilla Wars!
When you're in a relationship, you fight. You fight 'cause your beau called your mother ugly and you fight 'cause you think he thinks you think that he thinks you're fat! These fights are customary and do not mar the status of your relationship by more than 1%. If you really want to do some real damage, throw a bombshell without any reason! You can't imagine how much damage a "I don't think things are working anymore" text on a fine sunday morning can cause. We don't have the numbers, so defeat the enemy by surprise attacks! Gorilla war!!

2. Missiles!
Most of the fights are reconciled when you meet your other and discuss them. But there will be times when one of you would be out of station, away for some reason. That's your time, pick a fight. Pick a stupid reason. When someone is with his or her family after a loong time, they program themselves to be happy. A text like- "I think you're a lying son of a bitch! You didn't remove that whore from your facebook even when she continuously hit on you!" can work wonders!

3. Repetition!
Say "I love you jana" via texts every two hours in a day and four times before sleeping. Ask "asleep?" after 15 minutes of them texting you- "Very tired, going to sleep.".

And here's the master stroke, when in a fight- mention how you say "I love you" gazillion times a day and they fail to acknowledge your love.

4. Make fun of everything they do.
And if they are playful and take this in their stride, apologize viciously until they realize that they have been wronged!

5. The obvious stuff
Of course, you should be over-possessive, loud, bitchy and critical of their personality and family and family members' personalities. I mean that's a given.

6. Self-centered talk!
Let him finish a long speech on how his father has mistreated him all his life and how he wants to grow up and become a better human being and follow that up with "Am I looking fat in this dress jana?"
Pure break-up guaranteed!


  1. LOL...Thanks for the wisdom...:) Will pass on to my friends who are in need of it. BTW, the cartoon is super cool...:)

  2. Thanks Saru, yes do that and tell them to use it carefully. Individual sense of judgement must prevail. Thanks again!

  3. LOL! I married the guy I fell in love with and we've just spent a year together. You will not believe the amount of fighting involved and yes, most of them start exactly the way you've described. Bang on! But jokes apart, the aftermath of the event can be pretty painful so then one learns how to avoid fights. You know what? I'm going to do a post on this especially for you. But till then, I can laugh till my sides ache.

    1. Yup! Relationships require constant work. Good for you that you married the one who can bear with you through all this. Haha... I am waiting for the post.